Thursday, November 22, 2018

grateful and sad

is there a word for being overwhelmed with gratitude but simultaneously sad? this time of year is extremely hard for me and it's not just because it was my mom's favorite time of year or because her presence is missed MORE (i'll be honest, her presence is missed at maximum capacity 365 days a year), but it's because i try so hard not to associate this time of year with cancer.

we spent our last thanksgiving as a family at georgetown hospital, begging the doctors and nurses to just assure us whatever was going on wasn't cancer. it was as horrible as it sounds. but i remember feeling so grateful. that we were together. that my uncle and aunt in new mexico dropped everything and flew in to be with us. for my (now) sister-in-law who made us a full thanksgiving dinner and delivered it to us. for the 939 unanswered text messages from practically every friend i ever had, checking in on me, telling me how much they loved me and they loved eileen.

and so i remain grateful.

i am grateful that i love my husband more today than i ever have. that he commutes to richmond every single day for a better paying job and a better future for our family. that he adores our daughter, challenges me in ways that i never expected, and loves me completely.

i am grateful that instead of fracturing our family, like death so often does, it brought me closer to my brothers. everyone always says, "there's nothing like sisters!" or "there's nothing like brothers!" and as the only girl i always felt like i was missing out on some special bond with a sibling that shared my gender. but now i would argue and say "there's nothing like looking at your sibling, and feeling their heart break in your own chest." i am grateful to have two men who understand the utter joy it was to grow up under eileen's wing, and the despair it feels to no longer have her here. i am grateful that i will never be alone in my grief because i will always have them.

i am grateful that my dad didn't die right after my mom. i didn't know if he could survive his broken heart, i remember praying myself to sleep in the weeks after my mom passed away: "please god, let him survive. give my strength to him. i can't lose them both." and what i have witnessed over the last few years is an extremely remarkable man choose joy every single day. he seems to have one hand in heaven with my mom and the other tightly holding onto my little girl.

eily. oh my eily. i am so grateful she came when she did. i didn't dream of having children when i was little, but i did dream about having eily. whenever i doubt my faith, she is my reminder that not only is there a heaven but there is a god who loves us, and protects us, and might not take away the darkness but never leaves our side as we fight toward the light.

i am grateful for my faith. without it, i would have forever been surrounded by darkness.

happy thanksgiving. i hope you're as grateful as i am.

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