Wednesday, August 26, 2009

all's fair in hollywood



i love celebrities. i love everything about them. i love how serious they take themselves, i love how they find the time to sit in a room a few times a year and applaud each other for doing absolutely nothing while the clothes on their back could feed a small country. i appreciate their consitent smug attitude and their belief that yes, they are better than absolutely everyone. i love that they just have to memorize some words, and magically they also posess the authority to tell me who to vote for, what kind of water to drink, car to buy, clothes to wear. i dig it. what i don't dig, is being lied to. in addition to memorizing those words, your job is to be attractive. i support you and in turn, your job is to be beautiful and look great at all times. it's all i ask of you. but i can't quite decide if the following people hold up their end of the bargain:

kate moss. you are famous because you are "pretty" but um, are you? i don't know if it's the yurman or the fact that you're in black and white; whatever david has you doing you look FANTASTIC in those ads. but then i see you on vacay in the french riveria and you look like a cross between something that crawled out of a london sewer and that little goblin in lord of the rings; so which one is it?

ellen pompeo. you snagged one of the sexiest men alive and even managed to hold onto him after he found out you called him "mcdreamy" (lame) you have great hair and nice features, but 9 times out of 10 you remind me of a cat that just ate something sour. pull your face together.

julia roberts. you have three kids and all of a sudden it's ok to show up to whole foods with banana on your "life is good" shirt, ketchup on your jorts, and two different birkenstock clogs?? you need to go home, put in "pretty woman" and then take a long look in the mirror.

renne zellweger. you are dating bradley cooper, you are blond, you have fantastic style, and you were able to rebound after one of those lame ass getting married to someone you've known for 3 months on the beach sort of thing. all signs point to yes, you are attractive. but the above photograph tells a different story my dear.

miley cyrus. you're just not. sorry.

1 comment:

India said...

kate moss has a beer belly, crows feet, and her thighs finally touch, but she is still BEAUTIFUL to me. no one is as great as Kate.