grateful and sad

is there a word for being overwhelmed with gratitude but simultaneously sad? this time of year is extremely hard for me and it's not just because it was my mom's favorite time of year or because her presence is missed MORE (i'll be honest, her presence is missed at maximum capacity 365 days a year), but it's because i try so hard not to associate this time of year with cancer.

we spent our last thanksgiving as a family at georgetown hospital, begging the doctors and nurses to just assure us whatever was going on wasn't cancer. it was as horrible as it sounds. but i remember feeling so grateful. that we were together. that my uncle and aunt in new mexico dropped everything and flew in to be with us. for my (now) sister-in-law who made us a full thanksgiving dinner and delivered it to us. for the 939 unanswered text messages from practically every friend i ever had, checking in on me, telling me how much they loved me and they loved eileen.

and so i remain grateful.

i am grateful that i love my husband more today than i ever have. that he commutes to richmond every single day for a better paying job and a better future for our family. that he adores our daughter, challenges me in ways that i never expected, and loves me completely.

i am grateful that instead of fracturing our family, like death so often does, it brought me closer to my brothers. everyone always says, "there's nothing like sisters!" or "there's nothing like brothers!" and as the only girl i always felt like i was missing out on some special bond with a sibling that shared my gender. but now i would argue and say "there's nothing like looking at your sibling, and feeling their heart break in your own chest." i am grateful to have two men who understand the utter joy it was to grow up under eileen's wing, and the despair it feels to no longer have her here. i am grateful that i will never be alone in my grief because i will always have them.

i am grateful that my dad didn't die right after my mom. i didn't know if he could survive his broken heart, i remember praying myself to sleep in the weeks after my mom passed away: "please god, let him survive. give my strength to him. i can't lose them both." and what i have witnessed over the last few years is an extremely remarkable man choose joy every single day. he seems to have one hand in heaven with my mom and the other tightly holding onto my little girl.

eily. oh my eily. i am so grateful she came when she did. i didn't dream of having children when i was little, but i did dream about having eily. whenever i doubt my faith, she is my reminder that not only is there a heaven but there is a god who loves us, and protects us, and might not take away the darkness but never leaves our side as we fight toward the light.

i am grateful for my faith. without it, i would have forever been surrounded by darkness.

happy thanksgiving. i hope you're as grateful as i am.

christmas gifts for a child who doesn't need anything

you know the 5 languages of love? well mine is gift giving. i will search for the perfect gift for months, and then search for the perfect wrapping paper, tie the perfect bow, etc. my mom was an exceptional gift giver so it's not surprising that in her absence i feel the need to fill that void for my dad, my brothers, patricio, and eily.

it takes a concentrated effort on my behalf to not go crazy at christmas and buy eily ALL OF THE THINGS. even though i know i'll regret it december 26 because we don't have the space and because she will lose interest in half of it in a week, and the rush of giving the gift is temporary, i still have to practice restraint. after much planning....here's what is waiting for eily under the tree:

she wants a choo choo from santa so we got her this classic.

she's obsessed with helping her daddy, her own set of tools seemed appropriate. as did her own mixer now that she's big enough to help in the kitchen.

she is equally obsessed with checking busy (her baby) for all kinds of bruises, bumps, and ailments AND the tv show, doc mcstuffins, so when i saw this at homegoods this summer i knew she had to have it.

she's going to flip when she opens this and realizes that she (finally!) has her own set of working keys. right now we give her the key to her closet to play with but she's convinced herself "eily hand too small for dis key" my heart....

because we already have magnatiles (which soooo many friends recommended!) i got these bricks. i like that they're a different shape but still magnetic.

and for her stocking (my personal favorite!): reusable bandaids, a book, this pink squishy car (that santa did not pay $25 for, i can tell you that!), spelly straws, and a tradition i love: new pajamas. her first nightgown, i might add.

merry minimalist christmas!

i posted a few weeks ago about our very merry minimalist christmas and i got a lot of messages/inquiries about what exactly that is so i thought i would share.

i have always suffered from anxiety and crippling fear. when i was 11 i convinced myself that i was going to get raped and kidnapped and would announce to my family at the dinner table that i had survived another day, but i wasn't sure about tomorrow. sounds crazy huh? well it was. my mom, ever the believer in homeopathy, would pour "rescue remedy" down my throat to chill me out and as i got older she added a cold glass of chardonnay to the routine. my fear and anxiety has never gone away, but i have learned to identify what triggers me, and when it comes to my anxiety nothing sets me off more than STUFF. whether it's a pile of magazines, trash bags haphazardly stored under the kitchen sink, or a counter that needs to be cleared, STUFF drives my anxiety through the roof. when we knew we were going to have a baby, and STUFF was inevitable, my loving husband said "honey let's pretend like it's 1980 and only buy what we absolutely positively need. no bells and whistles." so that's what we did - i tried my best to register for the items that didn't take up a lot of space, could be easily stored, and were very very basic. that's not to say we didn't end up with three strollers, and i didn't buy every single thing that assured me my baby would sleep after a few months of sleepless nights (guess what, nothing worked), but we avoided a lot of stuff by asking ourselves "how long will we use this? did our parents have it? will this be easy to store for a second baby?"

then we decided to buy a tiny house. i'm talking TINY. our house had recently been flipped so everything was brand new and just our style - we looked at it as an investment property assuming we would move when our family grew and easily find renters because it's in a great location and is sweet as can be. it is old (so no closet space) and it is smaller than our first apartment in chicago. and honestly? i love it. i love that everything in our house has a purpose, i love that we aren't heating/cooling space that isn't getting used, and that eily doesn't have a shitload of junk in her room. we rotate toys every month or so and she's still at the age where this "BIG SURPRISE" of new toys is greeted with pure excitement even though they're old toys she forgot about. i'm also a big fan of the montessori method of learning which embraces "less is more" and serves as a nice guide for toys that serve many purposes. clothes are the next big hurdle for us, and i am currently working on sorting through everything i own so i have a wardrobe of just 40 pieces (20 for spring/summer and 20 for fall/winter) and will be donating or selling what i don't absolutely positively love/feel good in. i stronly believe living with less is not only good for my mental health but it's beneficial to eily's developing brain, and i know it's amazing for mother earth as the less we buy, the less trash we produce.

so...where does that leave us for things like christmas/birthdays? i ask my family to gift eily with "experiences" over toys. a membership to the children's museum, a month of gymnastics class, and if there is something they want to buy i try and push them for things that will get us outside (like the little house she got for her 2nd birthday!) or open ended toys. pat and i rarely buy gifts for each other and when we do, we go the experience route too. one year we went and saw the packers/redskins play. this year we are going to see dave matthews (a little BABY!) in charlottesville with friends, and i've asked him not to get me anything for my birthday/anniversary/valentines for a few years so i can eventually buy a diamond/sapphire band to add to my engagement and wedding rings.

if you're interested in learning more from the experts here are some good reads:

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

Simplicity Parenting

The Year of Less

The Minimalist Home - I haven't read this one but LOL at it being #1 in Hoarding Addicition and Recovery

May I suggest you check your local library or buy the kindle version versus purchasing a hard copy because you know....STUFF!!!!!!!!!

oh, hello again!

Time to brush off the ol blog folks.

I haven't written in a very long time and I miss it. I miss being able to capture chapters of my life on the interwebs. I love being able to go back and read about planning for our wedding, our life in chicago, my memories of jmu...so here we are. AML Chitter Chatter: In Her 30s.

What will my first post be about? There's so much to write about...so much going on as a wife, as a working mom, so many issues in this glorious and flawed county that I love. I won't be making a political statement. Nope. I'm PRETTY much in the middle of all this insanity going on. I don't think I have anything to add. Much like Chris Rock, I believe that anyone who makes up their mind before they listen to the actual issue is an idiot. "Be a person. Listen. No normal decent person is one thing" Guns? Get rid of them. Drugs? Don't get rid of them, please.

I guess in this world of Republican vs. Democrat I would, above anything else, identify myself as a feminist. I remember being in high school and my argument that Serena Williams was the greatest athlete of our time was met with laughter from my guy friends. BTW, hi, if you're reading this: you were wrong and I was right! Anyways, I just want every person, woman or man to be treated the same, paid the same, be valued the same.  I don't want to argue about what someone did when they were 15 years old, I want to know why 4 out of 114 supreme court justices have been women. Why was Ronald Reagan the first President to nominate a female Supreme Court Justice. Really? RONNIE?! I am already thinking about how to explain to Eily that life isn't always going to be fair because she was born a female. I pray that she will know her value, that she will be comfortable in her skin, that she will never have to feel the need to change who she is to accommodate the expectations of a man in her life.

...and then I remember who her dad is. My husband. My Republican, conservative, Midwestern, salt of the earth husband has never asked me to change my name. Five days away from our five year anniversary and I am still Anna Maria Lewis. I haven't changed my name because really, I don't know WHY I would. He's quietly allowed me to figure out who I want to be. He knows that my love and heart is his, but my name is mine. I married a feminist. My little girl will have two feminists as parents. How lucky is she?

my girl

July 31

i still can't believe patricio and i are parents. i can't believe i carried a baby in my body for over 40 weeks and that same body was in labor for 23 hours. i had been DREADING labor, i had honest to god prayed for years (26 years to be exact, ever since daniel was born and my mom semi-explained how he got here)  that i would be one of those women who went to the bathroom and walked out with a baby. as luck should have it, that wasn't our story.

when she finally arrived, i remember being just exhausted - emotionally and physically drained from being overdue, the contractions, the drugs, the worry, and fear (your water breaking 8 miles from the hospital is a scary thing yall!) - but when patrick handed her to me it's like time stood still and i was seeing all of the best parts of myself and of patrick in one perfectly swaddled bundle. for the first time since losing my mom i felt complete peace. there's a start, and there's an end, and i had now witnessed both.

i remember her little face so perfectly. she was trying so hard to see me, to focus on me, and trying so hard to catch her breath. we just looked at each other in utter awe until i finally said the first words that came to mind: "i love you little girl, i have been waiting my whole life to meet you."

and without realizing it, that's very much how i feel like i spent the 31 years before eily. i was just waiting to meet her.  her little soul was meant to be on this earth and every decision i made, every mistake, every ounce of heartbreak, of joy, of sorrow, it all happened for a reason and that reason is eily. these five months have been filled with some of the most tender moments i'll ever have. there's also been many incredible highs and equally devastating lows, but i'm so stinking glad she's here.

pride.

just after noon on friday, june 26, my sweet mom passed away surrounded by my dad, my brothers, patricio and myself. she left this world the way she lived: with elegance and with grace.

i was in kindergarten the first time i realized my mom was something special. we had a career day and my mom came dressed in her flight attendant uniform, her chanel lipstick and ferragmos, and handed out boxed lunches (the same ones you used to get in coach before all the airlines went bankrupt). she did her safety demonstration, and let my classmates wear the oxygen masks. i went up to her afterward and told her "mom, you know how you and dad always say you're proud of me? well now i know how you feel. because i'm so proud of you." and i never stopped being proud of her. i never stopped thinking that the most beautiful woman in the world was my mom. even when she was blessing all of my friends with holy water when we left for a night of debauchery. or when we left for beach week and she chased the car screaming "make good decisions!" (i made...some. okay i made zero good decisions but her prayers kept me alive.) but these last seven months, wow. my heart has wanted to burst because i've been so sad, but every ounce of sadness is matched with a pound of pride. proud of how hard she fought, proud of how strong she is, proud that she is my mom - and always will be. i now know what true strength is, and it's not surviving heartache or standing up for yourself (althought i've done both and can't say that either is easy). it's having a disease in your brain and still waking up every single day with a "good morning sunshine!" and saying "i love you my dear, sleep easy." it's feeling like you are literally losing your mind because the disease is starting to impact your perception of reality and telling your family "let's just pray the rosary. if i can just focus on the rosary..."  i have seen what selflessness is. it's hearing that you have less than a year to live and the first words to your husband are "oh honey, thank god it's not one of the kids." it's begging your daughter to go on a date with her husband because "nothing is more important than being an attentive wife. even when you have babies anna maria, don't you forget about patricio." it's looking your daughter square in the eye and saying "you are stronger than i am. i raised you to be. do not let people pity you anna maria. you are strong. you are capable. when the time comes...tell yourself that over and over even when it gets hard. i will be with you. every step you take. every labor. every tear. i will be there whenever you turn your face and feel the sun's warmth. because our God is good."

i have chosen today, and hopefully tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that, to look at this in the light of eternity. my mom is in heaven. and when i pass away, i will spend eternity with her and my brothers, and my dad and my patricio, and everyone i know and love. if i look at it any other way then that means i won't ever see eileen again. and that is too unbearable for me to even think about.

so many of you have said that you feel like you knew eileen because of all the stories i shared. that means so much to me. if anything, i hope i have done an adequate job of sharing her with you. to quote my father: "she is, quite simply, the finest person i've ever known." because the thing about eileen is that you didn't just like her, you fell in love with her. she knew everything about you in less than five minutes, she laughed at your jokes, she told you about a book you just HAD to read, a trip you just HAD to make, and left you with a hug and a promise of keeping you in her prayers. how wonderful this world would be if we all offered a fraction of that to each other.

i will be posting details regarding her arrangements as they are finalized with our church. thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you. we felt every prayer, every wish for healing. i love you all.

a quick update

well, hello there. how are you? it's been a long long time and so much has happened. we moved to virginia about six months ago. geez, it has been six whole months. never did i think we would be here but life sure is funny, aint it? we live in a bedroom painted light purple - a color i very painfully picked out when i was 12. and we use the same drawers that until recently held my einstein's uniform, senior prom dress, and wedding veil.

i apologize to those who read this blog and have reached out to me and might not have received an email or text in return. right now, in this space, i'm not going to get into the details of my mom's diagnosis - i just can't. but many of you have asked how i'm doing. and the answer is quite simply: okay. i'm doing okay. i wake up hopeful and grateful. tired, but hopeful and grateful. hopeful that eileen will continue to be a miracle. grateful that my parents are eileen and ross. that they dealt with me from the time i was a colicky baby to a college student who may or may not have ended up in the rockingham jail. grateful that they continue to be an example of true love. two people who quite literally see this world in a different way because of the other. anything and everything i can do right now to help, to make their lives just a little bit easier, i'll do it with a smile on my face and a heart full of grace.

and i'm okay because i go to sleep next to a man who i quite honestly didn't know existed six months ago. and i say that with all the love and respect i have in my heart for him. because the thing is - when something truly terrible happens, you don't really know how you will react. you can assume and you can guess but you really don't know until that terrible thing happens. if you told me in october what was to come i would have told you quite simply: there is no way i could ever ever handle that. nope. i would crumble, be crushed into a million pieces. not be able to function. and yet i can. and i do. and i will continue for as long as possible. and patricio? for six years i've known that he was a wonderful person. but i never knew that he would wake up at 4am on a tuesday to soothe my mom back to sleep. pray the rosary with her. lift her. carry her. change sheets. do laundry. fix meals. bathe her. help me research, "natural ways to address high liver enzymes." i didn't know that the first words out of his mouth would be: "i'll call our landlord" when i told him "we have to move to fredericksburg." no objections. no "well what about me? what about what i want?" he hasn't complained once. he's cried with me. left me alone when i needed it. comforted my brothers and my dad. held my mom to his chest. he's the finest person i know and he married me. he. married. me. the aforementioned rockingham county delinquent. and we, all five of the lewis family, are so lucky to count him as one of ours.

i will try to update here more. but for right now, goodnight. i send you and yours a lot of love on this beautiful night. xo.

one year down, hopefully a million to go

i can't hardly believe it's been a year since last october 12. both in the way that i can't fathom ever not being married, but i also can't believe that we're no longer newlyweds.

everyone told me the day would fly by, and it did, but i tried my best to be as present as possible. i remember how the comb in my veil was loose and i was getting panicked that it would fall out in the middle of the ceremony. so 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave, my mom carefully took it out of my hair, and sat quietly as she sewed the comb back into that beautiful lace veil; the very same veil that she so carefully picked out for her own wedding day. i can't imagine what she was thinking, and i've never asked her. i'm sure it was surreal. holding something that her father brushed off her shoulders when he gave her away. something that had been with her since before my dad even proposed. (eileen is gangster like that) and right after the ceremony, one of my moms best friends, paula, gave me a big hug and whispered "that veil has been good to it's brides" and she reminded me that it was her "something borrowed," over 30 years ago. 

and i was so so overwhelmed, with everything, but mostly the rain and how there was not a single thing i could do about it. until a little something whispered to me "whenever it rains, you will think of this day" and the funny thing is, i do. when it rains on a saturday i smile and say those very words out loud to the universe, hoping that every bride that is getting married that day hears them. i smile whenever the sky opens up on my home from work and think how excited i am to see pat after being apart all day. and i think how absolutely lucky i am, that the only thing i didn't plan for, is the one thing that stays with me the most. 

i love being married. i love him more now, than i could have ever imagined. i love that it might have taken me a solid 8 months but i fully embraced the fact that i am anna maria lewis heckel (that's right, no hyphen!) i love that everything changed but we're also still very much the same. we watch the same shows, and love the same things. we still find compromise to be our go to solution for 99% of our fights and we try to avoid the words "never" or "always" in arguments. he still hates thai food, i do the majority of our cooking, he walks polly in the mornings, and when we desire alone time there are no mixed messages (iPad games for him, law & order/criminal minds/shonda rhimes television shows for me) 

it's a beautiful balance, being comforted by the promise of forever, but still being excited to simply hang out together. 

a year ago today, i got to marry my best friend. and every day after, no matter how frustrating or hard or difficult it might have been, has been the best day of my life. 

happy 3rd adoption day, polly!

we became a family of three, exactly 1095 days ago. 

and every single day since, our lives are better because of polly lewis heckel.

she cheers for our favorite football teams.

her favorite thing to do is relax

or politely ask for a french fry

she misses us when we are away

sometimes she wishes we could all just go to sleep

she likes to mingle with the local wildlife

she agrees, leonardo dicaprio deserved the oscar! 

she is a small but mighty watch dog

she helped us move into our new house

and she has, quite possibly, the cutest puppy dog face in the world

i never once thought that i would meet the love of my life in chicago.
how lucky am i to have found two?

 happy adoption day, polly!
we hope you like your life with us, because we can't imagine ours without you.

year 1 and year 2

lunch bowls

i have started making a weeks worth of lunch on sunday afternoons. it saves me so much time during the week, and i find it rather relaxing and a nice way to prepare myself for monday morning. loosely based off my obsession with chipotle, i have found that i really enjoy making "bowls" for lunch. i kind of made this up as i went but basically i chopped up two british cucumbers, half a red onion, and a ton of garlic. tossed that into a big mixing bowl with a little salt and pepper. i made a cup of gluten free israeli couscous with chicken broth instead of water (adds so much more flavor!). when that was done, i tossed it into the bowl with the veggies and added maybe a tablespoon of 'simply dressed' roasted tomato dressing and a little bit of feta.

i like eating this cold, but you could keep the israeli couscous separate to heat up and then toss everything right before you eat. 

so easy and so so yummy.

also, i usually make a big batch of hard boiled eggs, and so i chopped one up right before i dug in. 

all alone in a big ol city.

i lived alone from 2008-2010. for 18 glorious months i was the (only) head of my household. it was a chapter i didn't plan for, with a roommate quite literally moving in the middle of the night. i was scared. still somewhat new to chicago, i wasn't seriously dating anyone, i had a very very small group of friends, and all of a sudden i found myself 23 years old and living by my lonesome for the first time in my life.

i had about an hour long commute on a bus and a train to work, i would walk/run (in fear) the half mile from the el to my desk, a desk that was located in an office, in a homeless shelter, in a not so great neighborhood on the west side of chicago. have you ever been to a homeless shelter? you probably have. and you were probably so grateful to leave after you were done volunteering. i don't blame you. it's depressing. and emotionally draining. and downright scary at times. my job was very much all of those things. but i loved it. and i loved going home. because it meant that for the rest of the evening i didn't have to worry about those 63 souls who were down and out on their luck, drug addicts, pregnant and HIV positive, mentally ill....whatever horrible thing you can imagine happening to you or someone you love, had happened to them. and i was forced to be grateful for the job that i had, the little apartment that i could afford and humbled by the fact that i was so fortunate to have the life that i did.

i was still worried i would be lonely. i was worried i would get bored. but in those 18 months i was anything but lonely and bored. i learned about myself just by puttering around, making my own food, drinking wine by myself (that hasn't changed), watching documentaries and listening to books while i cleaned. it was peaceful. in my teeny apartment, in the middle of my adopted city, i learned that my own company was enough. i fulfilled me. and what a wonderful lesson to learn at the age of 23.

well, hello again.

i have woefully neglected this little blog in the last few months. and it's for all the same reasons anything gets ignored: work has been crazy, life has been busy, trips were taken, boxes had to be unpacked, etc. etc. etc. it kind of blurs together, doesn't it?

we are settling into our new place - and are so excited that two of our dear friends are coming at the end of the month! they will be our first overnight guests, and i can't wait to show them around charming winter park. we used to spend every single weekend with them, and we haven't seen them since our wedding, so we're pretty excited!

these two nuggets. xo.

polly in the wild.

i recently spent a long weekend in new orleans celebrating the sweetest bride-to-be, becky. we had so much fun! any city that prides itself on the 9283982983 ways it cooks shrimp and the fact that you can walk into a bar and order a big gulp sized gin and tonic and then jump in a cab, with said big gulp gin and tonic in hand, is okay by me.

becky's shower is also coming up and so i offered to fulfill a bridesmaid duty by ordering the invitations.  i've mentioned this before, but i love paper. in my dreams i own a little shop where i spend my days designing and printing invitations and stationary. i happily took on this task and scoured the internet for the perfect invite. with the approval of becky's MOH, i ordered the below invitation. i wanted to make these extra feminine so i ordered a blush pink envelope that matched the invite, hand addressed all 50 of 'em with a gold sharpie, and because my personal motto is "everything is better with a monogram or a bow" i tied tulle bows around each invite. i'm quite proud of how they turned out.

invite: etsy

printing: lydia's. if you live in the fredericksburg area and are getting married, throwing a party, in need of personal stationary...they are the best. 

blush pink envelope: paper and more

polka dot tulle: leftover from my wedding. i love that stuff. 

life is very long

life is very long. - t.s. elliot

not the first person to say it. certainly not the first person to think it. but absolutely spot on.

we've spent the last few months in a state of utter exhaustion. tired of looking for a house, tired of estimates that were way to high to fix things (like bathrooms), tired of asking "do we want to even live in florida?!" so we just stopped. and we prayed. and we asked for advice. and the universe told us that life is very long, and that we are very young, and roots can grow when you are standing in front of a house with a "sold" sign, but they can also form with a lease in your hand and your husband by your side in a city that you're just kind of okay with. life doesn't have to look a certain way. and it's never going to. because at 29 and 30 - maybe we want to hold off on finding out all of our surprises. 

welp, that was a doozey of a year

2013 was a beautiful balance between all the great stuff that makes this life so wonderful with all the terrible, no-good-stuff that comes with it.

whoooooooooooooooooosh...it knocks the wind out of me when i think about everything that happened.

and tears brim my eyes because i know there was absolutely, positively no way that i could have gone through any of it, had patricio not offered his arm and helped keep me steady, never wavering in his love and devotion to not only me, but my parents and my brothers.

you make me so grateful that marriage exists, patrick. 

farewell 2013. you came too fast, but i'm glad you're not sticking around. (that's what she said?) 

i have a lot to do in my last year of being a 20-something so 2014 take your sweet time rolling on through. 

merry christmas!

cheers to yet another beautiful christmas season.

celebratory season

i've spent the last few days repeating myself over and over "how is christmas next week?!" but it is next week. exactly one week from today is christmas day and 2013 is coming to a close and it's just so crazy...this time of year plows through like a freight train. here for a second, and then gone. 

i digress. today is december 18th. since i was five, i've loved december 18th because it meant the lewis family officially kicked off their celebratory season. the three of us have our birthdays within three weeks of each other. december 18th kicked off three solid weeks of presents, and parties, and cake, and delicious food, and then more presents, more parties, more cake, and more delicious food. don't forget about christmas! and new years! and throw in the fact that we would travel across the country every other year to celebrate christmas in new mexico. wrapped presents and all! the amount of patience, and coordination, and work that went into making not only each christmas but each birthday SPECIAL....and it all literally happening at once...geez, my parents are amazing people. 

and then i met pat, and december 18th became even more special, because it's HIS birthday. and so now the lewis family has one more reason to celebrate december 18th-january 9th because we have not three, but four birthdays! 

happy birthday, daniel and patricio! 

daniel, you completed the five of us - the icing on the cake, as you like to call yourself. i am so so proud to be your big sister.

and pat you are where my new family begins. i am so very lucky that i get to do life with you.

so, here's to you both. 

you're loved and celebrated, not only on december 18th, but every darn day of the year.

what he wore

patrick was not super involved in the planning of our wedding. and i mean that in the BEST possible way. he helped me whenever i asked, gave his opinion on things that mattered to him, but for the most part it was "you like it? and your parents are okay with it? okay it looks great to me." he was the ideal groom...but there was one thing he was very particular about and that's all things having to do with his attire.

he said from the very beginning that he would not be wearing a tuxedo. and that was just fine by me. if you went to our wedding you can kind of see how a tuxedo would have looked a tad bit out of place.

he chose a grey suit early on, which made my decision about the bridesmaid dresses even easier. he chose the "fitzgerald" suit from brooks brothers. they were amazingly helpful in placing orders to dozens of stores across the country so that our groomsmen's suits could be pieced together.

contrary to what my father says (he still turns beat red whenever we bring up the fact that last christmas he asked everyone "who wears bowties besides a clown?!" and pat solemnly said "i do.") bow ties are the bees knees! and patrick heckel is a man who can pull them off flawlessly.

navy was the obvious choice, and as an ode to his unwavering love for his wife....he went with polka dots. we bought all the ties from the tie bar  and gifted the groomsmen theirs.

much like his decision to not wear a tux, he was also dead set against a very feminine boutonniere. when we sat down with our florist for the first time and the subject of his boutonniere came up he immediately said "no, no, no, no" when we started to flip through a book of flowers. he wanted something simple. something masculine. with some green. and silver brunia was just what he was looking for.

last little deets..

shoes are cole haan via nordstrom. 

belt is from childhood (probs made it in boys scouts to be honest, he loves that thing and i fear the day the leather finally gives). 

and bless his heart, he wore his watch. i gave it to him as a birthday gift a few years ago, and when i saw it on his wrist at the altar i found something so sweet about it.

the loveliest lovely.

last week i was mortified when i went to parallel park and....well i had forgotten how to do it! 

in my frustration (and a tad bit of embarrassment) i thought to myself: "i used to be so good at this!" and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

i don't live in chicago anymore.

and i just got so very sad. 

the city that played host to so many firsts for us, will not be the city that we grow roots in. 

it won't be the birthplace of our babes.

it will be a place we always visit, but never stay. 

i know that we made the right choice moving to florida.

our priorities have shifted.

stuff that wasn't important to us when we were 22-28 years old is tremendously important to us now.

and there are a million and one things i don't miss about chicago.

but there are a million and one things that i do miss. 

i think this sums it up best: 

"Yet once you've come to be part of this particular patch , you'll never love another. Like loving a woman with a broken nose, you may well find lovelier lovelies. But never a lovely so real."

- Chicago: City on the Make, Nelson Algren

by the way, if you live in chicago, i KNOW you've either seen a couple get in a throw down screaming fight over parallel parking or you have been one half of said couple. very early on in our relationship, pat had the utter audacity to tell me that i wasn't "doing it right" and our perfectly lovely day went to hell in a hand basket in a matter of ten seconds as we both left the car screaming "YOU DO IT THEN!"

for the nuggets.

pat has three nieces and a nephew that we a-d-o-r-e. 

pat's actually the godfather for 75% of that generation of heckels, which cracks me up because this is the same man who yells the most obscene things to any team playing the packers, but whatever. father of my children, love of my life, etc. etc. etc. 

 we are crazy about those little ones, but i'm not an idiot. i know how difficult (and expensive!) it can be to travel with little ones, especially for something like a wedding which for all purposes is something that only adults are interested in. and so i absolutely understood if our nieces and nephew would have stayed home and been taken care of by their other set of grandparents. we would have missed them dearly, but pat and i agreed...whatever was decided, we would understand. 

thankfully they did attend! and i got to put together special "kid favors" for them. 

i used the same kraft boxes that were used for the welcome boxes at the hotel

the kids had the same tulle ribbon that the adult favors were tied in, but i didn't take a picture of them! darn it. 

i printed activity books onto card stock. the template was very easy (i just had to download it) and super cute! it included a cake for them to "decorate" and a picture of a bride and groom to color in. 

i also ordered some goodies from my favorite store and yours, oriental trading company!

animal finger puppetes

safari stickers

crayons

and glow sticks!

it was really easy, took almost no time at all, and added a whopping $30 to our wedding budget. 

money well spent i say. 

freak flag

much like the man repeller there are few things i love more than a good maniac. and not a light stuff on fire - danger to society - heath ledger as the joker kind of maniac (although, 1. my sorority sisters and i did light a fire at passdowns and 2. moment of silence for heath ledger) but someone who lets their freak flag fly. just lets it all out. someone who is on a 10 when everyone around them is on a 3 or 4. 

it can be kristin wiig doing her thang on snl

or it can be a preschooler, who just brings it. 

bravo.